Where I Am Now

Hey guys, it's Mobian. In case you were wondering where I've been, what's going on, etc. I hope to explain myself here, by catching you up to speed on personal life and why I haven't been making that much for Deviantart.
I know my activity has been on and off on a monthly basis, I think ever since maybe June of last year. But, priorities happen. In June 2017, I graduated high school. Which meant I was no longer bound to getting up at six in the morning to go somewhere every weekday. In July through August, I was simply enjoying the new found freedom. And it was Summer, I wanted to enjoy it. Then August 17th happened, one of our cats at home, Rocky, was dying because of something we couldn't control and it would be his last day. It still rather hurts recognizing he's gone. September through November, it's rather hazy, to be honest. I do know I was doing something, I wasn't just doing nothing. Then early December came around, we lost another cat, Tiamat, because a cyst popped close to his heart. Then for the rest of December, I spent most of the month looking after a new cat we got. His name is Enki, he's around five or six months old now. And he has certainly become the attention seeker, he's just so cute though. Then on, it was looking after him until sometime after Christmas so we're sure he'll be safe walking around the house on his own. And then early January happened, and we lost our oldest horse, Lady, to natural causes while it was snowing. Mother even stayed outside at night to make sure she was alright. Lady was older than any of us, even mother. So hopefully Lady lived a wonderful. That's all/any major events that have happened, at least what comes to memory.
Still, those are just events. What have I been doing every other day? Well, I've been thinking and rethinking. I have been creative still, I've been writing many notes down on the Mac application of things like story ideas and character names. I also have family obligations, as I'm brought to family gatherings and to come downstairs to watch something with everyone on Netflix or Amazon Prime. And I have been social, with friends on Skype and Discord. So I have social obligations I have to fulfill and have started to become really good friends with people I've met on the site, it makes me happy.
That's just for thinking, as for rethinking... it's a rather difficult subject. There were days where I wanted to put something to paper, some days where I felt I couldn't do it. But that still doesn't explain why. The reason why is because I'm scared to even touch Deviantart. I've done a lot on the site, some good, and some bad. I've made mistakes, wronged others, and hurt others. All to the point where I'm holding several daggers to my neck and reminding myself this every other day, no joke. There wasn't a single month where I didn't think about those bad moments. Some may call it self-torture, I still see it as necessary. Whether because I'll remind myself of the lessons taken away from those events, or because it'll remind me to try and not mess up, or maybe it is just self-torture. Point is, I think the time away from DeviantArt let me think about who I am. Who do I want to be, what do I want to do, how should I go about doing it, what do I do the next time something happens, the same questions someone fresh out of school would have. But this is less on my education, and more on my person and the career I want to go down. I went from being an artist who made fusions for a show I once really admired, to now thinking of writing my own various series of stories.
I want to say I've become better than who I was before, say early 2017 or 2016. I look at how I typed on this site and ask "I used to type like that?" Because, if there's anything I see in those comments and replies I don't see in me now, it's a decrease in innocence. Sure I may be still rather naive, or goofy to some extent. But innocence, I don't think I have much of that at this point. I guess as time passes and you look back on the younger you, you do see some maturity. Or perhaps that maturity I see in myself is just an effect of how I've been treating myself. I don't really know, I am my harshest critic.
So there you have it, some reasons as to why I've been away for so long. If I want to come back and start doing more again, I'm going to have to make important changes to how I approach the site. The following will be that list of changes, feel free to skip them if you're not a user on DA:
- I won't be favoriting everything in my inbox because I like the art or artist anymore. It takes a lot of time and I can only do 200 favorites until the system says I can't anymore. However, I will still be looking at the art of my favorite artists and creators. Whether they be friend or acquaintance, or maybe another friend I could make.
- After this is made and done, I'll be cleaning my inbox of near everything. I want to start fresh, but I'm not retreating to a new account. This is the name I've chosen for myself and it has made an impact on people, either for good or for ill. I choose to stay on this one.
- What I'm going to do after this is uploaded, is start planning ahead. I have a Mac, an HP laptop, hands that can sketch and type, and a means to create. The first step though will be to remake my image anew. Most people know me for Barstowite or Zippo, they've become their own entities now. I want a face for myself, the guy behind the screen. I know I technically do, but I don't think those fully represent me. So hopefully, you'll like the new appearance. It'll take some time, of course. But hopefully, people are willing to wait a little while more.
- If I am to make an agreement with someone, whether it be a request or art trade, they have the full right to poke my head about it. If I agreed to it, I should do it. And if there are any that I've yet to do, please speak up sooner or later about.
- I shall make an attempt to be more active, perhaps a weekly journal meme to show I'm not dead, or I use the status updates more often. I don't know if and when to start, but I still want to be active. If any of you have ideas, feel free to let me know.
- Finally, Notes. I no longer wish to use them as a main means of communication with others. As not only because of bad experiences, but because it has a "see if they've read" feature. It has caused paranoia in the past, even though it can be handy. So if someone wants to have a chat, I have Skype and Discord. Otherwise, Notes are for communication on any art related projects involving other artists or as a means of giving my gratitude for other artists. I may still befriend people on DA through Notes, but I much rather not have Notes pile or anxiety awake. As for who to add, I am not obligated to add anyone who asks. If I add someone it's because of familiarity with that other person, if you message me asking to be added and I don't know you then it's likely you'll be declined until perhaps a later date. I apologize.
Other ideas may come to mind for the future. If anyone has any questions, you are free to ask away either in the comments of this journal or in the comments of the art piece. Hopefully, I'll be able to produce something of substance in the month. Until then, thank you for your time and may I hope you keep smiling onward.